There is going to be a recurring theme through my blog and that is in reference to songs that I listen to. Certain songs really bring back lots of memories for me, good and bad and they often convey how I feel. ‘Unintended’ by Muse, one of my favourite bands, really talks about the love that never was meant to be, the love you experience which makes you feel alive but in the end it only brings pain because that person is no longer a part of it. People often say it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, while I feel this is a very pessimistic way to look at life in general, it certainly holds truth. The experience of true love is often so rare that once you have it, you can never let it go.
I was fortunate enough to have experienced it. He was the love of my life and after many relationships, I know that is true. He sadly was taken away from this world way too soon and his passing was so tragic that I will not write about it. What I will talk about is what I have learned from it and what he taught me. He was a wonderful and kind human being, and some of us were lucky enough to have called him a friend. He was my partner, my soul and my best friend. Even though years has passed, I can still hear the last words we spoke, I can still see his smile and how much he filled up my heart. He taught me that people will always judge you, people will criticize you, not everyone will like you but if you believe in yourself and hold on to your own values, that is enough. Be kind, be generous and the universe will provide. It may not happen the way you want it to, but it will the way it is meant to and you can look back without regrets.
He taught me to believe in myself, he taught me to love myself and most of all to not feel guilty about my dreams and desires even if it didn’t fit the mold. Because of him, I am no longer afraid to seek discomfort, to step out of my comfort zone, but most of all to not be afraid to speak my heart and how I feel. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter won’t mind. He never stopped me from pursuing my dreams no matter how crazy it seemed because he believed in me and now I can see myself in his eyes. He loved my flaws and he taught me that time is a gift, and how we spend it is a gift to ourselves and to others who we hold dear. Sometimes when I am sad or I feel defeated, I can feel his hand holding mine, helping me up and telling me that everything will be ok.
The night he passed away, I saw him in my dreams, as vivid as day. He was real and he told me not to cry. I was numb and in denial for a long time until one day it hit me really hard when I realised I would never see him or feel his arms around me anymore. It was hard, the hardest experience I ever had to go through. Time goes by, the world around us doesn’t stop and life goes on. It is never the same again but it goes on.
I often wonder what life would be like if he was still around. Would we still be together, would we be travelling the world together, would we have settled and build our home together and I miss him. The pain is always there, a distant memory that tugs at my heart at the most unexpected times but so is the joy he has brought to my life. If he wasn’t gone, I probably wouldn’t have had all the amazing life experiences I have had so far…and I see this as his gift to me. I still miss him, a lot, but I am also grateful and I feel lucky that I got to share my life with him. I still have all the wonderful memories we got to create together and those will never leave me.